12 Surprising Writing Lessons from My First Book

How to write a book and actually enjoy doing it.

The “cat cave” where I wrote most of The Way Home

Writing a book is no joke.
It’s hard work.
It takes a lot of dedication and perseverance.

I can remember having a vague sense many years ago that maybe I would try to write a book someday. I didn’t know what in the world it would be about. And I wasn’t really sure that I could even do it…

But here I am, one year to the day since my first book The Way Home: Discovering the Hero’s Journey to Wholeness at Midlife arrived in the world. And so I decided to take a moment to reflect on my experience. Here’s my main takeaway:

Yes, writing a book is a huge challenge.

But here’s what most people don’t realize:
Just because writing a book is difficult, does not mean you can’t enjoy the experience!

Here are 12 writing tips from my experience that make it not only possible, but also enjoyable to write your book. Let me know what you think.

1. Write for yourself.

Write what you want to write. I did.

I didn’t set out to write a book. I set out to reflect on a particular grueling, transformative season of my life. For me. For my kids. For my friends. As I got deeper, I realized I was writing a book. But that didn’t change the fact that I was still following my own curiosity and writing the book I wish someone had given me at the beginning of my journey. In fact, I didn’t worry about getting an agent or publisher. I went ahead and wrote and edited the whole thing. This meant I never got caught up in writing what someone else was telling me to write. As a result, I enjoyed the internal process as opposed to orienting around and external outcome.

2. Don’t write a book. Build a book.

Early on, I realized I wasn’t writing a book, I was building it.

I enjoyed writing sentences and paragraphs, but I often was even more excited about working on the book from a high-level view. Of course, you need to toggle between the two. But viewing the process as building, made the writing easier. I was assembling something (or perhaps it was being assembled by the Muse).

This also makes writing more manageable because you’re not writing one, big overwhelming thing. You’re writing a bunch of smaller chunks that you then piece together like a puzzle. And puzzles are fun!

3. There’s no such thing as a bad writing day.

There’s no such thing as a bad meditation, I teach all of my meditation students. Some experiences are deep and blissful, while others are busy and chaotic. But all of them are a part of restoring the mind and body.

The same goes for writing. There are flow-y days and messy or stalled days. But even those are essential. They lead to new insights and breakthroughs. So don’t judge the writing sessions that feel unproductive. It’s all a part of the process.

One clarification: I suppose the only bad writing day is when you intend to do it, but then you skip it!

4. Editing is not (always) the enemy.

I love Anne Lamott’s “shitty first draft” idea and appreciate Donald Miller’s three drafts—content (heavy notes, basically), rough (smoothing things out), and style (add a bit of seasoning). And they’ve both written a lot more books than me. But putting an editor’s cap on while still developing the book was actually helpful to me. Admittedly, I probably over-edited early. But sometimes editing—specifically focusing on my voice—helped me clarify the bigger picture, both what I’m trying to say and how to weave it all together.

5. Google docs is God’s greatest gift to humankind.

I wrote most of my book in my basement office (read: laundry room side chamber), but I also wrote it in the car, on the soccer sidelines, and while trail running. And I blame credit google docs for that.

An idea, a snippet, a phrase would pop into my head, and google docs helped me capture it. I created a google doc for each chapter so that when something came to me, I could either dump it into a specific part of the book or into a general bucket where I could visit it later and figure out if/where it fit in. This kept the book in me, as something I could easily access as opposed to something out there I needed to struggle to reconnect with each time I sat down to write.

6. Use pen and paper.

Write it down. Like, actually with a pen and paper.

No, I didn’t write the whole thing in a notebook or something (though I did work out three chapters on a hammock in a hut on the edge of the Amazon rainforest). But sometimes I would just get STUCK in front of the computer screen. In those moments, instead of bailing on writing, the best way to get the creative juices flowing was to get away from the keyboard and grab a pen and paper.

For me, I sense that my daily journaling practice is what made this effective. Because journaling with a pen and paper is a space where I’m used to letting things flow without a filter.

7. Drown (lots of) kittens.

For the first year and half as I wrote my book in the early morning hours before work, I had a job at a media company. When the team was editing radio or podcast interview, they would some times reference “drowning the kittens.” That’s strange… what it meant was sometimes you have to leave some really good stuff on the editing floor.

The same was true for my writing. There were some sections and stories I really liked. I desperately tried to fit them in. But the thing is they didn’t fit. So they got cut. It’s better, I realize, to not try and force what doesn’t fit.

Also, here’s the thing about kittens: cats have nine lives. So you might drown one now, but it will come back later. Perhaps in a Substack post. Or another book. Remember, you have an abundance of material within you so don’t cling too tightly to any of it!

8. Develop your own lexicon.

Here’s a freeing thought: there are a million ways to say one thing. Not just one way. So figure out how you want to say it. And then repeat. This not only is a part of expressing your unique voice. It’s also a way to create a cohesive reading experience.

Pro tip: put a lexicon of terms at the beginning of your book. It’s a fun way to preview the coming attraction for those who want to look at it. And by putting it in the front as opposed to the back, you ensure that people actually realize it’s even there!

9. Stop quoting other people.

People read your book to hear your unique perspective, your thoughts, your voice on something. Not because they are looking for a catalog of quotes from other more famous people. By over-quoting you not only decrease your credibility, but you also run the risk of derailing the reader from the experience you are trying to guide them through.

Admittedly, the term “hero’s journey” is in the subtile of my book (thanks, Joseph Campbell!) and I do include a good amount of legendary quotes from him and others. But you should have seen my initial version! Thank the good lord my editor gave told me the book would be stronger if I cut something like 80% of the quotes I had. Unfortunately, he only gave me a week to clean it up… which I of course took him up on. And I’m so glad I did. Next time around I’ll be even more prepared to stick to my most trusted source on what I want to say—myself!

10. Find what makes it click.

As my book started to come together, I had two main threads—the areas of mystical presence and ritual practices (you’ll have to read it if this doesn’t make sense to you). But things really clicked when I was revisiting Campbell’s The Hero with a Thousand Faces and realized THIS IS WHAT I LIVED. It was the missing thread! In fact, it was my own distillation of the hero’s journey that ended up forming the backbone of the book.

Sometimes you are struggling to write because you’re missing something HUGE. Be open to the possibility that you don’t yet have all the pieces you need. And be patient. It will find you soon enough. You just have to be ready to receive it.

11. Learn to bend time.

This was one of my favorite discoveries as an author of a book that is a mashup of memoir and so-called self-help: you can bend time.

Of course you can, and of course I had read countless books that had done this. But I had such a deep awareness of the chronological order of what I had experienced that it actually took a little time for me to realize that some stories fit better earlier or later in the story I was writing than when they actually occurred. No, I didn’t make up a new timeline. I just did what I loved so much about the TV show Lost. I set up flashbacks and flashforwards. Bending time not only fit the overall structure of the book better, but it also cultivated a bit more narrative tension and was just plain fun!

12. Celebrate every milestone.

Make sure to celebrate the many milestones that come with writing a book. Especially with people you love. Complete draft, finished proposal, getting an agent, getting a publisher (verbal agreement), signing the contract, ARC release, launch day, etc. I can’t tell you how many times I went out with family and friends to celebrate significant moments in the creation of my book. Let’s just say, we ate well.

This accomplishes a few things. First, it helps you enjoy the process as opposed to some often-elusive outcome. Second, it adds a communal element to the experience. In my case, this also meant my kids felt at least somewhat connected to whatever dad was doing in the basement in the early morning hours!

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So there you have it. 12 writing tips to make the hard work of writing a book more enjoyable.

I’ll definitely be keeping these in mind as I work on my next book, and the book after that!

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. And please share with anyone you know who is writing something, especially their first book!